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She · smiled · a · little · as · she · said · it
Like a flower soaked in the rain.
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I woke up today. I ate breakfast, I brushed my teeth, and I showered. I left the house to go to work, but got stuck in traffic on the way. The line of cars in front of me was long, so I reached down to change the radio station. As I turned the dial on the stereo, I woke up.
I was in bed, still, or again, I wasn't sure. My face was covered in sweat and my hands were shaking. I was confused. I recounted the actions of the dream I had just escaped and was astounded by the faulty realism that I had just experienced. I checked my surroundings, and went to the kitchen to get some water. I grabbed a glass and began to fill it with water. As I watched water pour over ice cubes, I opened my eyes to find myself back in my bed.
I woke up. I was worried now, confused and unnerved. I remembered the dream that I had just experienced, and was shocked by the realism. I had trouble getting myself to move, for my limbs were tired. My brow was wet and my hands trembled. I wondered whether or not I was awake and looked around. I was in my room, in my own bed. I was lying on a familiar pillow, surrounded by a familiar blanket, across from a familiar desk.
I woke up. I was scared and confused. I remembered how real my dream had been, and how real my dreams within my dreams had become. I needed to know if I was awake. I got up and went to my computer. I worried I would wake up. I typed out anything I could recall. I pinched my arm. I retold what I knew. I wiped the sweat from my face. I strained my mind for quickly fading details, but my trembling hands kept my typing slow. I watched my thoughts appear as words on the computer monitor. But as I scanned the text, nervously hoping for some affirmation of consciousness, I opened my eyes, and woke up. |
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somehow or another I always manage to find a way to fuck things up.
reaching that pinnacle of happiness just...it doesn't last. and i'm always the reason. |
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well damn. It's been pretty goddamn busy the last few weeks, and I think I'm in for just one more time crunch before summer hits...
not that it really means much, though, i assume, as I am going to be taking summer school. PHIL245 here I come! that and working.
I do think that this is probably one of the least depressed entries I'll make all year, so I'll try to be short about it.
smash is back.
photography is very back.
life is...unstable.
and I'm certainly not ready for a year w/out everyone. >_< at least I can invade their japanese homes in Dec. *nod* |
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oh no. not another one of these fucking mood swings. not a goddamn thing would make me feel any better, any less worthless.
i don't need someone to talk to, and i don't need something to keep my mind occupied.
i need medication. |
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It's not because I have no map that i'm so lost, so confused.
it's because i have no destination. |
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sometimes... - your regrets overpower you
r hopes. - self loathing is only the beginning.
- the path forward gets steeper
- you'll climb to the top, just to jump off.
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so many goddamn things make me miss her so much. |
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i need to leave...i think it's a need. if it's just a want, it's awful strong, and i'm not sure how to control it. everyone has spells like this, right? times when you need to escape your life for just a little while. though, i think i'd much prefer pure exit rather than a side trip. this town feels so stifling. too close and too cold. for the influence to be this weighty, i'm quite shocked. i couldn't really have expected any less though, i should have seen it coming. i should have stood a little stronger when it hit. i just.. 28 months should move a little faster than this. with time moving this slow it hurts to think, and it hurts to breathe. fighting just makes things worse. futile struggling and enclosure like this dont' tell me i'm falling anymore, i'm drowning. i just thought i'd be gone already. |
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mou jikkan da yo ne. this year is moving quite quickly indeed. i'm not sure if i prefer it or not, though i'm sure my preference could neither stay nor speed the hands of time. not this time. of course she should get mad. we're both mad. that's not something to be prevented or fixed, it just is, and will be for a while. i wanted to tell her. she's right. couldn't be more so. i'm leaving to run. to escape, what i always dream of doing, regardless of the situation, happy or sad. i take it all for granted. as long as she's here i'll be more comfortable relaxing elsewhere. what else should i really look for in a ratty town like this. 28 months. i have 28 whole months to get passed this or only 28 months until i can leave. i would do much better planted elsewhere, ne. without the people here i would have nothing for this town, and now even they are fading. just a little bit more. a little longer.
heh. much earlier than expected, but i guess so.
almost time already. |
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i think i should cut back on the self-chatter. it's like i'm preparing myself for conversations i'll never have. easier than writing it in a true journal, i suppose, but i must look crazy to those passing by.
it's just that
i feel more comfortable when i'm alone.
i hate the solitude. i hate the silence. but without it...
i'm talking myself out of therapy. it calms me, and it keeps me 'cool' as our friendly pulp fiction personas would ask us to be.
it's a preference that makes the rest of society seem like a temptation. a sin, addictive and forceful.
fuck snowstorms and their requisite hours of self reflection. |
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it's been a shitty week so far, yes oh yes it has. but some things are to be taken in stride, right? nothing a couple chocolate cream pies can't fix...>_< the final split between the two of us seems to have taken place. it's something I never thought would really happen, but the path that we have been on for oh so long has led there and nowhere else. all the signs pointed to it, and anyone watching could have honestly predicted the outcome for years now...
years.
years.
years. time for a break. as I assume is usual in this situation, i should raise my standards yes? try harder myself, of course, but refuse to settle again. part of me says it's harder that way...sure, if I ever end up with someone, they'll be that much closer to perfect, but who knows how long that could be?
years?
no, this mentality won't last. it never does. soon i'll return to the failed man that I really am. someone that needs to lean on others. someone who never gets what he wants because he doesn't know what it isn't. *sigh*2008, here i come. |
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playing the 'good sport' role takes too much of a toll these days. i feel like i've been too spoiled or too sheltered, i'm just feeling things too much. what happened to the good old days of flippancy, when I could care less if people returned phone calls or followed through with their words. now i sit here and overthink every disregarded little thing into some hidden message telling me my presence is superfluous.
i'm expecting too much.
that's probably the lightest way to put it. i hope for too many far off goals, all achievable yet each as unaccomplished as the next. my wants are too many and too opposing.
what do I normally do here...disappear for a little while, retreat into the safety of fantasy and fiction. it sounds so familiar it's almost comforting. it is comforting.
content is overrated.
life can be replaced with digital reward, and i'm starting to think that it needs to be. not all, of course, certainly not all.
just enough...moving focus onto lesser dreams can certainly wane me from the mental disparities of tonite. |
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solitude only lasts as long as you're conscious. |
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if she thinks that I don't need her, will she not need me? maybe she already doesn't. |
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it's kind of like one one of those days, back in grade school, where you could sit on the grass for hours looking up at a cloudless blue sky. your eyes would fade in and out of focus, and every once in a while you would see the thousands of microbes skitting across the surface of your cornea. they would just be little white blobs moving across the sky as if to replace the clouds that should have been there. something that you could always see, it was always there, but you never really looked at it until that moment. you couldn't have, unless you really stared at absolutely nothing for the longest time. something like that. |
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she smiled a little bit as she said it,
like a flower soaked in the rain. |
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i spoke to a friend today. they were crushed. destroyed. depressed beyond anything I feel I could ever comprehend, but they refused to show it. they wanted so strongly for me to believe that they were ok that they didn't notice the tears rolling down their cheeks. they forced a smile so strongly that they didn't even notice...and i didn't have the heart to tell them that they were still crying. |
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today I start working. if all goes well, my schedule from 10-5:00pm should be completely packed mon-fri for the rest of the school year. /woot for cash. |
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late night thinking is perhaps some of the most abstract thought one can go through. fatigue merely amplifies my inability to focus on a single subject, but as I drift from one to another, I'm more relaxed than I could have ever expected myself to be.
plans and goals drift by me like a movie of a future I've still yet to achieve.
I want to hold onto this passion, even if it is for something as childish as anime.
it gives me strength. it gives me hope.
natsukashii ne. |
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perhaps the evasive secret for which all search to understand is not nearly as evasive as one would assume. re-zonde-toru. to find a dream. to chase it. to devote yourself entirely, passionately, to something or someone. the reason for life is to have reason to live. reason to push, to pray, to try. all one would need is ambition, a dream. a cause to die for. i want overwhelming passion. |
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tatsuta's journal